Saving fatherhood from the bureaucrats' airbrush

It's one thing picking to bits how dads are represented, as I try to do in this blog - but sometimes the problem is that they're not represented at all.

The Telegraph's story about Scotland's Ready Steady Baby leaflet is an example of where a public authority has taken the decision to airbrush fathers out of the picture altogether. Seeking to erase one of the two most clearly understood labels through which we make sense of family relationships is apparently justifiable in the name of equality for same-sex couples who have children.

Says who?! Certainly not the children. If you're a man or woman in a parental relationship with a child, that child knows you as some kind of dad or mum - regardless of what they call you and certainly regardless of your sexual orientation, or whether or not you live with and/or are in a relationship with the child's other parent or parents. Mums and dads are grown-ups who look after you and love you with all their heart. Some people have more than one mum, some have more than one dad - some have a collection of both. Many call them something different, but they know exactly who and what they are and mean. Unlike bureaucrats, kids get this stuff.

And in my experience, most families that involve same-sex parents (including my own) get it too. Of course we need to think carefully about how we use language, and there's no doubt that words like 'father', 'mother', 'mum' and 'dad' contain baggage and can be used to shore up 'traditional' modes of thinking.

But heaven save us from 'parent', that catch-all refuge from controversy fast-becoming the mot du jour of the dead-handed bureaucrats!

Preparing to be unprepared

In stark contrast to Daddy Daycare, A Dad Is Born - also made by Love Productions, ironically enough - offered a sensitive examination of what happens when men become fathers. Kira Phillips' film followed several men as they waited for their babies to arrive, attended the birth and dealt with the first couple of weeks at home.

It was moving to watch the men's fear, their attempts to do their best for their partners and children, and the simple day-to-day caring that is so central to becoming a modern father.

Keeping the ship steady...being there...coping with being unable to take the pain away...feeling the love...thinking about what kind of dad you want to be...dealing with your partner's emotions...wondering how other dads feel...holding it all together...

Reading all the books in the world can't prepare you for new fatherhood - but what this lovely little film showed in spades is that dads need to be open to its hugeness. That's something we in the UK do little to encourage, with our icy-cold ideas about masculinity, our father-blind maternity services and our all-too-short paternity leave provision. High time we put all that right.